chopstick up the hole
by soldier against the numbers
Summary: How do you get drunk on ramen? I dunno, ask Minato Arisato. He's having fun with it.


Minato Arisato looked like a cool guy. Like, really cool. And he had this really cool bad-boy vibe that had this "Instant Chicks Just Add Hot Stare" quality to it. Perfect for snagging girls, but he already had Emiri. Sweet, beautiful, wonderful Emiri― wait. Where was he again? Oh. Right. Minato being cool.

Kenji didn't see any of that coolness now.

Actually, no, he couldn't see because his eyes were in danger of being speared by finely-sandpapered bamboo.

He heard drunken blubbering. Then he heard a crash. Then he heard the sound of furniture being bumped into and bowls clattering to the ground.

Then nothing.

Minato was far beyond help. _His_ help, at least.

Kenji Tomochika counted to fifty until he began to dial a number on his cellphone.

* * *

_"―Hey. H-Hey, Junpei?"_

"Yo, Kenji! 'Sup?"

_"Uh. Yeah. You know Arisato, right?"_

"Yeah."

_"Well, we're here at Hagakure, and he was stabbing people with chopsticks and stuff until―"_

"Huh?"

_"...He's drunk."_

"No. What? Run that by me again..."

_"DUDE, HE'S DRUNK."_

"WHAT?!"

_"ARISATO IS PISS DRUNK ON RAMEN―"_

Covering the cellphone with his free hand, he risked a glance at the people left in the lounge. Mitsuru behind the counter. Yukari at the dining table. Akihiko loitering around. The rest had either gone to the upper floors, or were out on the town.

Everyone nearby was looking at him.

Junpei tried so hard not to look back at anyone as he returned to the phone.

"...OK. What do you want me to do?"

_"―totally missed my show 'cause of―oh. Just... can you just get him out of here? He's passed out."_

"All right. I'll see what I can pull together. Don't go anywhere, got it?"

_"Sure. Thanks_OHMYGODSHIIIIIIIAAAAA_―"_

Junpei held the phone a safe distance from his ear.

"What was that?" Mitsuru's leveled-out voice projected across the room.

"Minato got drunk." Why did he sound like he was apologizing? "...On Hagakure's ramen," he tacked on as an afterthought.

The silence lasted precisely ten seconds.

"...What the hell..."

"I feel your pain, Akihiko-senpai."

"Where is Arisato, Iori?"

"Still in Hagakure. Kenji said Minato'd been stabbing people with chopsticks, and now he's out cold." A pause. Junpei looked at the display on his cellphone. "...Or not. ...Kenji tried talking him down, but he wouldn't listen."

"How can _anyone_ get drunk on ramen?" Yukari wondered out loud.

Mitsuru, Akihiko, and Junpei said, "That's what I'd like to know" at the same time. The three stared at each other in bewilderment.

"Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks like that."

"Who wouldn't think that? Iori, how do you propose we get him out of there?"

A thought occurred to Junpei. He rubbed his hands together, almost as if in prayer.

"Well, Mitsuru-senpai, if you would let me borrow your motorcycle―"

"No."

Well, there goes _that_ dream.

Mitsuru continued on: "I'll drive. Akihiko, this is the perfect opportunity for exercise."

Akihiko grinned.

* * *

_Well, at least I got to hold on to a hot chick's waist_, was the only prevailing thought in Junpei's mind as the damage was surveyed.

"...You don't know me, I'm the United bloody Kingdom and blarghargargh..."

Akihiko made a face. "Hey, Junpei. Help me out."

"Way ahead of you."

Akihiko and Junpei positioned themselves on either side of their inebriated leader and looped his arms around their respective necks. Together, they hauled Minato to the nearest barstool. Minato groaned softly.

"Let's hope he won't trip over his own two feet," Akihiko grumbled.

* * *

**Kenji's Eyewitness Account** (too bad it doesn't have "or lack thereof" attached to it, otherwise there'd be an ambulance on the scene, and a higher story rating. And more blood.)**:**

"I swear to God, we were just eating and having fun and being bros, until I told him I had to leave and he grabbed my hand. He fell off the barstool but I didn't even move that much! So I just bend down to check if he hasn't snapped his own neck, right? And then he lunges at me like a freakin' ninja with these freakin' ninja moves and I almost lost an eyeball to him! (At this point all three dorm mates shared a nervous glance at each other.) And then he started stabbing the air with those ninja moves of his and then he started to stab people in the eyes but he never really did hurt anyone. I hid behind the counter, and stayed there 'cause I like my eyes, thanks. He stopped when he fell on a table. That was when I called Junpei."

(Junpei inquired as to why Kenji screamed on the phone before he hung up, but Kenji probably wasn't listening, as he did not answer. It must be noted, however, that Kenji looked very protective of the seat of his pants, as every time he was in close proximity of Minato, he kept the back of his hand on his rear end.)

* * *

A mini-interrogation, parting bows, and a phone call or two later, four of the SEES members found themselves on the main road leading home. Kenji had left long before the four exited Hagakure.

Minato was propped up on Mitsuru's motorcycle, mumbling in his sleep about things they couldn't catch.

Junpei raised a finger. "Uh..."

Mitsuru straddled the seat. Her foot was close to the sidestand. "Iori, I appreciate that you alerted this incident to us. I also appreciate your assistance in this. You have my utmost gratitude."

"You're welcome, but―"

"We'll meet you at the lounge," Mitsuru said, and then drove off.

Junpei was left with no means of returning home. Well, except for the walking thing.

Akihiko stretched on the sidewalk before jogging in place. "Well, let's get moving."

Junpei groaned. It was going to be a long night.


End file.
